Reclaim Your Life After Loss
Life Is Always Changing
Even if you do the same things and behave the same way every day, there's no stopping change. As John Lennon said in his song Beautiful Boy, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".
When someone you are used to interacting with no longer has a physical presence, you may feel lost - as if you've been placed into a strange, new world. Although we know that everyone will die one day, and regardless of whether you had any warning or time to say goodbye, there's nothing that can prepare you for that huge loss in your life.
Depending on the type and amount of interaction you had with them, you can be reminded constantly, or sporadically, that they are no longer with you.
Read: "Dealing With Loss", next.
Dealing With Loss
When someone close to you has left your life, it's a big change that can have a lot of short and long-term effects on your life.
"Close" can mean many different things. Physically close - someone you lived with, worked with, saw a lot, or interacted with a lot. Emotionally close - someone you shared feelings, thoughts and activities with, and felt that you valued and cared for each other. Close in terms of family connections - family members of any type, biological or otherwise.
Whether you had a good relationship with the person or not, the change to your life can be a lot to cope with. You may experience feelings of sadness, guilt, regret, hopelessness, relief, anxiety, wishful thoughts, denial, anger, love, and so on.
You are reminded of how your life has changed each time situations or occasions arise where you used to do things together.
When you feel ready, you need to re-envisage your life without them physically in it, and take steps towards finding a new way of being you.
Read: "Are You Ready to Take Some Steps", next.
Are You Ready to Take Some Steps?
Sometimes, it feels like the things that happen in your life are unfair and you're left wondering why they've happened to you. You can feel stuck, and unsure of how to get your life back on track. When someone has left your life, there can be a feeling of disorientation as you can no longer do the things you used to do with that person, and you may not know who you are now that they're gone. When you're ready to take some steps forward, there is a new you to discover - and that can be scary, too.
Relationships with other people change you. You may have taken on new interests or activities with them and you may have let go of some things that you used to love doing. Issues, disapproval, or angst between you that may have held you back are gone, freeing you to express yourself in a new or different way. Perhaps there are activities you used to do together, or things they used to do for you, that you now have to stop, or make adjustments around.
There are simple activities and techniques that can slowly guide you towards who you would like to be. Often, you will find yourself becoming a more expanded version of who you were when you were younger, re-discovering passions, interests and personality traits that will allow you to feel freer and happier.
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Read: "Four Techniques for Moving Forward After Loss", next.
Four Techniques for Moving Forward After Loss
1 - Do Habitual Things in Extraordinary Ways
Have you ever injured one hand and struggled to carry out your usual activities with the other hand?
Part of the brain's function is to store and recall things that you do regularly, so you don't have to constantly re-learn everything you know on a daily basis. Things that you do regularly become habits, and you end up doing them without even being conscious of them. When you want to change a habit, it can take a certain amount of time and effort to do things a different way, before your brain finally replaces an old habit with a new one.
Think about activities such as brushing your teeth, getting dressed, and having a shower. You have a routine that you follow automatically, and if you had to describe that routine you probably would not be able to do so without doing the actual activity and taking note of what you're doing. When you're having a shower, there will be a particular order in which you wash your body parts, a direction in which you apply soap on each part, a certain way that you wash the soap off, and so on.
One way to alert your brain that you want to make some changes and do things differently, is to shake up some of these long-term habits. You will probably find yourself feeling unwieldy, you might make a bit of a mess, and it might even give you a laugh. Try one of these activities for a few days or a few times in a row, or longer if you can manage it, and see if you improve your skills and shift the old habit by doing it the new way. After some time you may feel more adventurous and open to doing and seeing things in a different way.
- Brush your teeth with the opposite hand to what you would normally use.
- Brush your teeth in a different order - if you usually start with the outside top teeth, start with the inside bottom teeth, etc.
- Get dressed in a different order. If you always put your right leg into your pants first, put your left leg in first. If you normally put your socks on last, put them on halfway through.
- Change around the order of your showering, or the direction that you apply soap.
- Try anything else you can think of ...
2 - Rearrange Your Emotional Environment
When you lose someone, they don't disappear from your mind. Although they may not be with you physically, they appear in your memories. Depending on your perspective, (which can change over time), this can be painful. The memories come with emotions attached and if they are causing you emotional pain, it's worth trying to make some changes. It doesn't matter whether the emotional pain is because you love and miss them, or you're angry and upset with them, or anything in between.
Have you noticed that people experiencing the same event, can have a totally different reaction to it? That's because they all have different thoughts about it, based on what they believe. And from those thoughts come the emotions. For example, if someone believes that red fruit is dangerous, they may feel scared or anxious when they see some. If someone else believes that red fruit is healing, they may feel excited, relieved and happy. Neither one is right or wrong, as we are all free to have our own beliefs - and we are also free to change them if they are not working for us.
So, it makes sense that you can rearrange your emotional environment by changing the beliefs, thoughts and perspectives linked to painful memories. Once you change them, you will have a different emotional reaction to your memories. You may have noticed that your beliefs change over time. There will have been some things during your life that you were scared of, or thought you couldn't do, that you later learnt how to do, or overcame your fear of.
If you really miss someone, would it help you feel better about memories of them if you choose to believe that you can still talk to them and they can hear and understand you? Or would it help you feel better if you choose to believe that when people die they let go of all the things that affected them here on Earth, so they are now free and at peace? And if they have let go of their earthly "stuff" and they are now filled with complete love and understanding, would you like to choose to believe that they are supporting you and cheering you on with whatever choices you make in your lifetime?
What other beliefs can you choose to have, that will allow you to feel better about the memories that come up? It can take time for your beliefs to change, but the more you consider and imagine them, the faster you will feel the changes.
3 - Rearrange Your Physical Environment
If you've been living with, or spending a lot of time with someone who is no longer with you, there will be constant reminders that they're gone. The chair they would sit in, the mug they used, the tasks they did that are no longer done, and their favourite foods in the pantry.
If it makes you feel good and gives you fond memories to see those things, keep some of them. If it makes you sad or upset when you see them, here are some ideas for a re-vamp.
Before you begin, do an attitude-check. Do you think that your person is connected to the item, or that removing it will mean you don't care about them? If so, try telling them what you are doing, something like: "Catherine, when I see the mug you always used, it makes me sad because I miss you. I'm going to give away the mug, but I will still think about you and I still care about you". Then you can imagine Catherine responding or smiling down on you in understanding. If you are concerned that you may forget what the items looks like, take a photo, and you can look at the photo anytime you feel the urge.
Take your time, and dwell in the memories of the item if you wish. If you have someone helping you sort through things, you may wish to talk to them about the items and the memories. Next, you can say goodbye or thank you to the items before placing them in a box for donating, giving to someone, or discarding.
When it comes to clothing, bags and other items that may be seen out and about, consider how you will feel if you see them in use. If it will give you a warm feeling to see someone else using those items, donate them to nearby charity stores. If you think it would make you upset, take them to an area further away.
Experiment with doing things differently. If you and your person used to sit on two particular chairs at the dining table and there were always two placemats, seeing both placemats still there, or seeing only one, can be a sad reminder that they're gone. Try keeping a placemat at every chair, and sit at a different position for each meal, or, choose a new position to sit at - it may give you a new perspective and view on many things. Buying a new set of placemats, mugs, or accessories such as cushions can bring in some fresh energy, too. These ideas may sound a bit silly, or as if they wouldn't make any difference, but all these small actions and gestures add up to creating a physical environment that allows a brighter future.
4 - Prepare Lines to Tell People What You Need
There are so many moments that can be awkward and uncomfortable after you lose someone close to you. If it was your partner, do you still feel that you can still fit in with other couples you used to socialise with? Do you feel that you can't attend the regular events and outings on your own, that you used to attend together, especially if they are activities that you need a partner for? Do you feel concerned about going to places where people will ask where your person is? Do you feel awkward about the way other people could react when you tell them, or about the questions they may ask?
No-one can know what you are going through, and how you would like to be treated, as everyone is so different. It's important to tell others what you would like, and be aware that this will change for you over time. For the initial period, you may feel too emotional to talk about your person, and as more time passes, you may want to talk about them and reminisce.
As well as other people not knowing what you want, death is often a touchy subject and they may be concerned about saying anything that could upset you - they would probably appreciate your lead, or your advice on what you need at that time. It's easy to make assumptions like people don't care or they've already forgotten your person, or they're being nosy, but they just could be uncertain and worried about hurting your feelings, or have no understanding of what you're going through.
If you prepare and practise some lines, it can remove the discomfort and emotional reactions that you are worried about. Practising the lines over and over can reduce the emotional trigger for you. Only you can know what message you need to give people at any given time. Here are some examples to get you thinking of what would suit you.
- Felicity died last week from a heart-attack; Grant passed away suddenly - it was a big shock.
- I'm okay, just getting through each day; Thanks for checking on me - I'm getting there slowly.
- I'm not ready to talk about it yet; I don't want to talk about him/her now - it's too upsetting.
- I feel weird meeting with other couples right now - can we go out with just the women/men?
- I won't go to our regular dinner for the next couple of times because it feels too sad without Peter here, but please keep asking me again after that, because I might be ready then.
- Can I bring a friend? I feel awkward being on my own with all the other couples.
- I feel like I still need some more time on my own, but thanks for asking me to go out. I'll let you know when I'm ready to catch up/keep asking me - I'm not sure how long I'll feel like this.
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